We decided to try naturally this cycle but I’ve gone back and forth with emotions. One day I feel ready to try again and the next day I want to wait another month or so. But then I also just want to be pregnant again but I also don’t want to go through another loss. I feel like these emotions are all over the place…. but also normal? Maybe?
For the last week, we haven’t really talked about Baby C. We stopped making plans, stopped talking about the future, more in an effort to protect our hearts. Instead we had a lot of really difficult conversations such as miscarriage and what that could look like for us. It’s no secret that I am pretty terrified of miscarrying at home. Let’s face it, miscarriage in general is terrifying. It’s cruel, it’s not what we had in our plan, and I just really don’t want to do it. But like I mentioned in my last post, the surgery isn’t an option for us at this time. If it comes to it. My OB wrote me a prescription for a pain medication in case it happens naturally or in case our RE, Dr. Park, doesn’t prescribe us pain medication. I also have heavy duty pads, a heating pad, Ibuprofen, and know to drink lots of water/Gatorade. I am prepared with materials, but emotionally I don’t know if I could ever prepare.
We went in for our first OB scan on Monday, when I would be 7 weeks. I had been feeling anxious for days, worried that something would be terribly wrong and that we would lose the miracle baby that I had been carrying for the past two weeks. As we sat in the room and I got prepared for the vaginal ultrasound (which wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable as I thought it would be) my legs were shaking, which is normal when I’m anxious. I felt so sick to my stomach, but I wrote these emotions off as “normal” because I know that every woman and couple feels these emotions before the first ultrasound. I kept telling my husband how nervous I was but he reassured me that everything would be fine. As the ultrasound began, my reproductive endocrinologist, who is amazing by the way, pointed out my uterus and the yolk sac.
I used to look back at my journey so far and feel bad that it hasn’t been as traumatic as others. That I haven’t experienced loss, had any bad test results, been told that IVF is my only option (yet). I consider my journey the waiting game that is testing my patience. But I also consider my journey to be my biggest lesson. Just to name a few of the things that I’ve learned through infertility, that no journey looks like the last or the one next to you, that you can experience infertility when trying for your second+ child, that the world views infertility as a scary topic because it’s not widely talked about, that insurance companies label infertility as “unnecessary”, and that women are even stronger than I thought they were. Although I’d love to get my baby, I am thankful for the lessons that I’ve learned so far, and I can’t wait to continue to learn, grow, and help myself and others in this journey.
Today I am asking my husband fertility related questions and I am writing down his exact answers. Uh, umm, and all. I thought that this was such a fun idea and it will help me prove that he NEVER listens to anything I say... ya'll can relate, right?