The Results of Our First Monitored Femara (Letrozole) Cycle | January 2019
I don’t know how to start this blog post so I’m just going to throw it out there: we’re pregnant
Your eyes aren’t paying tricks on you, it’s true, we are officially pregnant.
I apologize for taking a few days to tell you all the news. I was waiting for blood results to confirm and then I waited to see if my HCG levels rose before announcing good news. While this post contains amazing news, I have to be totally transparent with you and tell you that I am scared. I knew that pregnancy after loss would be hard, that seeing a positive pregnancy test might bring up some old emotions, but everything is much more heightened than I imagined.
But don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining. I am thankful for the opportunity to be pregnant again. I am thankful that our first medicated cycle worked. It worked, you guys!
Let me start at the beginning because some of you might be confused. Sunday morning I posted a blog post and an instagram post claiming that I wasn’t pregnant and at that moment, we thought I wasn’t. I took a Clearblue Digital home pregnancy test and it read "NOT PREGNANT” and I wasn’t surprised. I didn’t feel pregnant, I didn’t think that we would be that lucky to get pregnant on our first medicated cycle. After I posted the instagram photo, I had many many many of you comment on the photo and send me messages telling me to take a FRER (First Response Early Response) because you had bad experience with Clearblue Digital detecting early. In my experience, when we got pregnant back in August, I used the same digital test and it read “PREGNANT” so I just trusted the brand. Plus, the thought of seeing a super faint line on a FRER gives me so much anxiety. It’s been awhile since I had taken a First Response. Anyway, your comments got to me but I tried to forget about it. I really trusted Clearblue Digital so I let it be. As the day went on the thought of stopping progesterone was scary. I kept thinking what if I stop the progesterone and I am pregnant and then I miscarry? And you might be thinking, well why didn't you just wait a few days but my mindset was that if I wasn’t pregnant, I wanted my period to come ASAP so we could try again. We can all relate to that, right?
So later that day, I still couldn’t shake the comments and messages that I received so I convinced Kerry to go into town with me and buy FRER. He said he would do anything to ease my mind (plus he was obviously hoping that it was positive). After we got home from Walgreens with our tests I ran straight for the bathroom and peed in a disposable cup so I could dip both tests if needed.
After I dipped the test in the urine, I sat the test down for just a minute. I honestly didn’t expect it to have two lines, sure I hoped, but I didn’t expect it at all. Kerry was playing with the dogs and not paying any attention to me. I looked at the test and saw two lines, the test started faint and got a little darker (not terribly darker though) and I told Kerry to come look because I swore there was a second line. He looked at the test for a long minute and I asked him if he saw the second line and he said that he did but he didn’t believe it. We both agree that digital tests make it seem more real. If you know what I mean.
I very calmly freaked out and grabbed the second FRER, dipped it in the same pee and waited. Again, there was two lines.
After seeing the second test show up positive, I knew I wasn’t seeing things. This was really happening and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe. The emotions that came over me were fear, anxiety and the feeling of being overwhelmed. I knew that this day would come, or I hoped that it would come, but I never expected it today. Then I started to cry in my hands and Kerry hugged me. I vented about my fears and how the thought of going through miscarriage again was so scary. I physically couldn’t handle it again, it was traumatizing to say the least.
Could this be it? Could this be our rainbow baby?
Also, what a DUMMY I am for thinking that 14 days past trigger I would have the most accurate result. I very obviously wasn’t thinking or something was going on. I wasn’t properly educated on that part of the cycle. I remember a nurse telling me to test after 14 days and I guess she mean past ovulation which they consider to be two days after trigger. So, learn from my mistake ladies, please.
We kind of put it out of our mind for the rest of the night and tried to relax as much as possible.
The next morning was Monday and I drove over an hour to my RE’s (reproductive endocrinologist) office in hopes that they would take me as a walk-in for bloodwork. Luckily, they were happy to draw my blood. I got my blood drawn on Monday January 14th and then repeated it on Wednesday January 16th. Here are my results:
BETA #1: 24
BETA #2: 47
PROGESTERONE: Steady in the 30s thanks to the suppositorites!
Okay, let’s talk about those beta numbers because they have caused me a lot of anxiety. They are low, really low in my opinion but my doctor and nurse are not concerned at all. Truth is, I found out that I was pregnant earlier than I should have. Dr. Park didn’t even expect me to test that early, I should have only tested today really. If we weren’t doing a medicated cycle, I wouldn’t have even tested yet. My doctor reassured me that these numbers are very normal for 4 weeks and under (which I am, because it’s that early) so I’m doing my best to relax.
We have our first ultrasound scheduled for January 31st where we are hopeful to see more than we saw at our first ultrasound back in September.
Warriors, we are scared. We have hope but we are truly scared. We appreciate every single message, comment, prayer that we have received and we will continue to cheer you on.
Does this mean you’ll only post pregnancy related posts from now on?
Have ya’ll met me? Well, virtually met me? NO WAY. Hello Warrior is a safe place for me and others to talk about trying to conceive, infertility, pregnancy loss, and so much more. I would like to talk about pregnancy after loss BUT I will not be sharing “weekly updates” or “bump dates” and if I share any pregnancy related photos, I will put a cover photo on social media.
I wouldn’t be here, in this situation, if it weren’t for each and every one of you and I never want to upset you or harm you. I know what it’s like to see that someone is pregnant, it’s hard. I don’t want my feed to be a place of hurtful photos or negativity. So I plan on continuing the conversation around infertility, I still have a few topics with infertility that I want to talk about and I have a lot of amazing Warriors lined up for #FeatureFriday every Friday! So please stay around and don’t lose hope! I am here to cheer you on, post quotes that inspire you, and help you keep going.
Plus, although we are hoping for the best - we have no idea what our future holds and we need your support to make it through this tough time!