As I am writing this, I am nine days post-miscarriage and it’s been 15 days since my spotting/bleeding first started. I haven’t had any bleeding in 12 hours and I don’t know how to feel about it.
For the last 15 days, I wanted my bleeding to end so badly that I would sob over the fact that I had to wear a pad at all times. I’ve cried a lot over the last two weeks but this day is so different because I am crying over the fact that my miscarriage is officially done with. I’m no longer bleeding, meaning that I am not (physically) constantly reminded of my loss. I no longer have to feel embarrassed as I purchase extra large maxi pads and adult diapers. I no longer have to wake up three times a night to change my diaper/pad combo. I no longer will have hot flashes from the hormones at night. Coffee no longer tastes like crap. Everything is going back to normal. Well, the normal that I had before being pregnant at all except everything is not really normal, it’s different. It’s new. It’s just odd and I can’t put it into words.
Well, I say that I can’t put it into words but here I am attempting to write a blog post about how I am feeling today.
I feel so silly for feeling sad that my miscarriage is over. I texted my husband to tell him and he reassured me that it wasn’t crazy to feel this way and he reminded me that this just means we are so much closer to trying again. He is literally the anchor for my positive thoughts. I swear he makes me better. Even though he told me I’m not crazy, I feel crazy. Who “misses” their miscarriage? No one, that’s who.
And it’s not that I miss my miscarriage, it’s just that the bleeding was the last bit of proof that I was actually pregnant. Was pregnant. Now, I have nothing to show for it. I gained nothing and lost everything except I no longer how proof of what I lost. But why do I feel like I even need proof? That’s a good question. I wish I knew the answer to that one.
This blog post is basically a ramble because the way I’m feeling is just so hard to fit Into words but someone, somewhere, in this world must understand these feelings. It’s almost like I got used to the constant bleeding and cramping. Like I just mastered how to hide adult diapers under my work clothes. I finally got the hang of this whole thing and now it’s gone. Just something else in this journey that was here for a short time. Except I bled and miscarried for longer than I even knew I was pregnant. Ugh, that sucks.
Someone tell me that I’m not crazy, is this normal?