TRIGGER WARNING: This blog post discusses pregnancy loss/miscarriage and may contain details of my personal experience with miscarriage. Please protect your mental health and if you are afraid that this post will be too hard for you to read, do not continue reading past this point. So much love to all of you angel baby mamas out there.
If you’ve been following our infertility journey for awhile, than you already know that in August we found out that we were pregnant and conceived naturally one cycle before starting a medicated Femara cycle. We went in for our first OB scan and got the devastating news that our sweet little babe was measuring 2 weeks behind and we weren’t sure if the baby stopped growing or was just behind. That’s when our pregnancy limbo started and we had to go in for weekly scans until we had a confident diagnosis and could move forward. I started spotting after our second follow-up scan, after learning that Baby C did grow but not much. The spotting started to crush any ounce of hope that I had but I tried to hold on until our next scan. That’s where my last update left off.
Our last OB scan was scheduled for Tuesday, September 25th, 2018 in the afternoon. I was still spotting from the Thursday prior, it was no heavier nor lighter. The ultrasound showed that Baby C was no longer growing, the fetal pole that Dr. Park saw last week was no longer there however my gestational sac was still growing. From my last period I should have been 9 weeks, 2 days, the gestational sac was measuring as it should but the baby was still measuring at 6 weeks. There was no heartbeat, no growth at all. Now Dr. Park felt confident that this pregnancy was coming to an end and he gave us our options. The thing is, I expected this. I wasn’t crying in his office like I was in the appointments prior. I needed to act strong because I knew that this next stage was going to be really hard on me, my body, and my husband.
In one of my last posts, I mentioned that with my insurance the surgery was just too expensive. Even though I knew it was expensive, I wanted to know all of our options. My insurance deductible is so high that I have to pay high dollar amounts out of pocket until I reach my deductible. So after talking to the financial counselor, we learned that doing an in-office D & E was only $100 more than the ultrasound price so it would be worth the money. With the in-office surgery, I would only take Percocet instead of being put partly under. The alternative was going through a natural miscarriage and I just didn’t want to do that. I didn’t feel like I was tough enough and the thought really scared me. We felt confident in our decision to do the in-office D & E and scheduled it for the following Thursday morning, only a day and a half from that moment. My body apparently had a plan all along!
Looking back, that night I didn’t feel great but that was pretty normal for me at this point. I was totally out of control when it came to my body so I didn’t pay much attention to how I was feeling. I went to bed wearing a pad because I was afraid of the bleeding getting heavy while I was sleeping. Thank goodness I had that fear because I woke up at 1 a.m. with intense cramps and a strange feeling like maybe I had to pee? It’s hard to explain but it just wasn’t right.
TRIGGER WARNING: I’m going to put a second trigger warning because from this point on, miscarriage is heavily discussed and described in detail! Please, do not read any further if you feel that the details of my miscarriage may trigger you in any way. TRIGGER WARNING
My timeline is a little iffy from that night because so much was going on. Once I got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom, I pulled down my pants to check out my pad and saw a large lemon-sized clot. I was fully unprepared for the size of this clot. I started to sob because I now understood what was going on, I was miscarrying our sweet little Baby C and I was not ready for this.
I realized that I was bleeding really heavy and was getting blood on myself. It honestly looked like a crime scene, I’m not even going to sugar coat it for you guys. I warned you, I’m going into detail and let me tell you why, when I was nervous about going through my miscarriage I tried to Google everything looking for personal experience and found nothing. No one is as honest as they should be about this, so here I am trying to be open and honest. To me, it’s necessary because I felt so unprepared for what happened to me and I would love to help someone prepare so they know what to expect.
While trying to clean myself up, deal with the intense cramping, and try to control the heavy bleeding, I picked up my phone and called my husband who was in bed sleeping at this time. It was only around 1:15 a.m. at this point. I was crying on the phone and asked him to come to the bathroom and he came quicker than he usually does when I call his name. Filling him in on what was happening, I could see the concern in his face. He was unprepared too. Not long after he came in the bathroom with me, the cramps were getting much more intense and I started to feel really heavy pain in my vaginal area. Seconds later I passed a second lemon-sized clot but luckily it wasn’t in the pad this time. Following the clot was a lot of bright red blood and smaller clots. The pain was excruciating. It was double, if not triple, the pain of my heavy periods. I thought I knew what pain was like but I had no idea. This was the worst thing I could have gone through.
After I passed the second large clot, I asked my husband to get me water, gatorade, and the prescribed pain killers because I needed to stay hydrated and I needed some pain relief. Only about 5-10 minutes after taking the painkiller, I had to turn over and throw up. I got physically ill and couldn’t hold any water, gatorade, or medication down. You may not know this about me but getting sick is just my worst fear. It rarely happens and when it does, I just hate it. I hate it so much. And on top of what I was already going through, this seemed unfair. I stayed on the toilet, trying to find a comfortable position, as I kept bleeding and passing smaller clots. Some were still larger than expected but in comparison to the first two large lemon-sized ones, these were nothing.
About an hour into this, I guess I want to call it labor, I started to have cold chills but was shaking and sweating. I tried breathing exercises, position changing, rocking back and forth and nothing seemed to help. So I just sat there and cried and cried because it was just so unfair. This pain marked the end of this pregnancy and all I could think about was what was happening inside of my body. Why me? Why us?
My sweet, sweet husband was there with me through the whole thing. He felt helpless and knew he couldn’t take the pain away but he stayed there and rubbed my back and held me while I cried. I kept trying to think about him in this moment because being on the outside seemed oddly even more lonely than what I was going through. I know that if he could, he would have taken my place. That’s just the kind of man he is.
After having the cold chills mixed with sweating, I tried putting an ice pack on the back of my neck and it helped a lot. But then I had the idea to take a cold shower. I just needed to feel more comfortable because in that moment, everything from my legs to my heart just hurt. I got in the shower and decided to take a hot shower instead. I sat on the floor of our shower and just let the hot water hit me and it started to feel better. This was the position that I felt the least amount of pain in. I also had ice chips sitting outside of the shower for me to suck on to stay hydrated and to prevent myself from getting too hot.
Again, my sweet husband was there for me. He ran to the grocery store at 3 a.m. to buy more maxi pads and to buy me my life saving item… adult diapers. Some sweet #Warrior told me that adult diapers were her comfort during her miscarriage and I giggled to myself that I wouldn’t need those. I’m telling you right now, the adult diapers were a LIFE SAVER during my miscarriage. As I am writing this, I’m 5 days post-miscarriage and still wearing them. They keep everything together and make me feel much more comfortable. While he was at the store, I decided to get out of the shower because I was feeling better. At this point, it had been 2 hours since I woke up and realized that the miscarriage had started. it was now 3 a.m. and I put a pad on, some baggy clothes, and I got in bed and waited on my husband to get back with the necessary items. I had my heating pad on my stomach and was feeling better. Not great, but better.
Once he got back from the store, I got comfortable in clothes and we laid down in bed. He had to wake up in 2 hours for work and I was traumatized and in a little shock, I didn’t go back to sleep. He was such a trooper to still go to work that next morning but he couldn’t miss the project that they were working on. But I knew that if I needed him, he would come home in minutes.
I titled this blog post What Miscarriage Is Really Like because I wanted to tell you like it is. I wanted to give it to you straight and share all of the horrible details because someone out there, needs to know this. They need to be prepared. Oddly enough, since my miscarriage two friends in this community got similar news as me and I had to walk them through their miscarriage. I told them all of these painful details because I needed them to be more prepared than I was. I asked for advice from my many support groups and the majority of women told me that their miscarriage was like a “heavy period” and I don’t know if my miscarriage was different or if my wording is more harsh but I have naturally heavy periods. Usually, periods are so painful I feel like i’m going to pass out or throw up from the pain. Sure, that’s similar to what I described earlier in this post, but this miscarriage was definitely worse than a heavy period. The amount of bleeding is concerning, it’s scary, and if you are unprepared, it can traumatize you. That’s for sure. But also, the pain is so excruciating and no one prepared me for that pain. The heaviness in my uterus and vaginal area was extremely painful. I told you I wouldn’t sugar coat it. I’m not trying to scare you or make matters worse, honestly I feel that women should more prepared and educated on what miscarriage is actually like. When you are told that you have had a what they call, missed miscarriage, they give you options. Your options are to wait it out and let it happen naturally, take a pill to induce labor, or have a surgery. I feel that it’s important for women to know more information about two of those options and I had the experience of not intentionally “waiting it out” so I wanted to share my personal experience and opinions.
I want to end this blog post telling you, if you are experiencing a miscarriage and feel unprepared or alone. First, ask questions. Tell your doctor to prepare you. Second, I am here for you. We may not know each other personally, but you can message me on Instagram or email me at anytime and vent because i’ve been there and luckily I had some incredible women in this community on my side and who helped me through it.
You are a strong, fully-capable warrior and I know that this is hard, reliving it is hard, moving on is hard, but together we will get through this