To be honest, I don’t know how to start this blog post. First, I want to thank you all so much for all of your messages, prayers, advice, you have shown me that I am not alone in this and I am forever grateful for the sense of community that I’ve felt for the past few days.
We went in for our first OB scan on Monday, when I would be 7 weeks. I had been feeling anxious for days, worried that something would be terribly wrong and that we would lose the miracle baby that I had been carrying for the past two weeks. As we sat in the room and I got prepared for the vaginal ultrasound (which wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable as I thought it would be) my legs were shaking, which is normal when I’m anxious. I felt so sick to my stomach, but I wrote these emotions off as “normal” because I know that every woman and couple feels these emotions before the first ultrasound. I kept telling my husband how nervous I was but he reassured me that everything would be fine. As the ultrasound began, my reproductive endocrinologist, who is amazing by the way, pointed out my uterus and the yolk sac. Because we got pregnant naturally and not from the medicated cycle that we had planned, he didn’t know I was even pregnant until he saw my name on the schedule so we had to piece together how far along I was and such because to be honest, I didn’t track my cycle that time. I had just kind of given up on conceiving naturally. He looked around for what felt like forever and told me that usually at this stage in a pregnancy, we would see a little flicker, which would be the heartbeat. And we didn’t see that. He was very calm and so gentle as he explained what he was looking at on the screen but my eyes filled with tears. I have a medical background, I’ve looked at numerous ultrasounds, and this one didn’t look good. I knew that. Dr. Park kept looking around my uterus, trying to find a sign of life. He was very thorough and his bedside manner didn’t give off any indication of worry. Looking back at this moment, I am truly grateful that he is our doctor because the amount of care that he put into something that probably has to do weekly, if not daily, was so kind.
With hope in his voice, Dr. Park told me to get dressed and to meet him in his office so we can try to pinpoint when I ovulated, that way he can tell if what he is seeing is normal or not. Since I didn’t track my ovulation during the cycle that we conceived, I don’t know exactly when I ovulated but I do know when my husband and I had sex and I know when I usually ovulate, both of those days matched up. Based on that information, we should be 7 weeks just as we thought. So the ultrasound isn’t looking good. As he was telling us how to get to his office, I just started crying. This moment was starting to feel like a bad movie and I couldn’t believe that it was my life. in my head, even though I was anxious, I pictured this incredible moment where we saw our little baby and my husband held my hand as we cried from being so incredibly happy but instead our reality was much different.
Once we sat down in his office, Dr. Park said that there are a few ways to go about this, he doesn’t feel 100% confident that this will result in a miscarriage but he said the percentage of it being a viable pregnancy is very very small. Since he doesn’t feel positive just yet, he told us to come back in the following Monday, a week from this day, for a follow-up ultrasound. If there is still no heartbeat detected, then he knows for sure that the pregnancy stopped growing. What he saw on the screen looks about 5 or 5 1/2 weeks along.
if this pregnancy stopped growing, it will result in a miscarriage. I know that. My options are to 1. let it happen naturally 2. take a pill to induce it 3. have surgery to remove it. Sadly, I have a high deductible plan and the surgery will be too expensive. So unless it happens naturally before our follow-up scan, I plan on taking the pill and miscarrying at home. I truly can’t even believe that I am typing these words.
As we finished this terrible conversation, Dr. Park just let us sit in his office for a second as we processed everything. My husband seemed like he wasn’t present in the conversation, I knew that his head was spinning. He is so positive all the time, he felt blindsided by this news. We both cried and tried to collect ourselves so we could leave. Since we were upset, luckily Dr. Park walked us to a financial coordinator so we could check out in private and not have to wait at the front desk. It’s honestly the little things like that gesture, that make all the difference in patient care. As we walked to elevator after paying for the worst doctor’s visit of our life, I tried to hold it together until we were alone. I felt my chest tightening as the elevator door opened and the second we got inside, all of the breath that I was hold in just came bursting out. I started to have a very minor panic attack, which worried my husband but by now, I’m used to them. I just couldn’t believe that this was now our life. Our baby was gone just as fast as we found out that it existed. The little face that I pictured, would never exist. The plans that we had made, won’t happen. We were devastated. We are devastated.
After walking out of the clinic, we sat in the car together for a moment to collect ourselves. Although collecting ourselves failed miserably because we couldn’t stop crying. Our appointment was in the morning on a Monday, so now we both had to call out of work. I had to call my boss and surprise him with two pieces of information, that I was pregnant and that we learned that we may be miscarrying. I spit the words out so fast because I didn’t want to cry on the phone with him and I sensed the pure confusion in his voice. I truly work for incredible people because he told me to go home, take all the time I need. So we did just that, we went home. That drive home was truly the longest drive. We live an hour from our doctor but the drive felt so much longer that day. I couldn’t listen to music because I couldn’t focus on sounds. I needed to be alone with my thoughts. The tears just didn’t stop.
Once we got home, we just curled up on the couch. We didn’t know what to say or how to feel, we have never been through this before nor did we truly expect to. We probably lost our baby except for the physically hard part, hasn’t even come yet.
Now that you know about how we found out and what’s going on, I have a few other things to discuss in this blog post.
Dr. Park said to us “I know this doesn’t fix it, but if it makes you feel any better, at least you know you can conceive naturally” and I know that a lot of women don’t think this is a positive thing but I disagree. I find a lot of comfort in the fact that we conceived this child naturally because to be honest, I didn’t know that it was possible. Although I am angry with my body, I am also very proud of my body. For two weeks, my faith was restored that my body could do it’s job, although that has since changed, it still happened.
Another thing is the fear that I feel about miscarrying at home. If it were up to me, and if it were affordable, I would do the surgery. I would love nothing more than to go to sleep and wake up with it being over. I am terrified of what miscarriage will look like for me. I historically have really painful and terrible periods as it is - and this is supposed to be a “heavy period”. A heavy period for me, sounds deadly. But the good thing is that if the pregnancy stopped growing between 5 and 5 1/2 weeks, then the miscarriage won’t be as bad as it for other women who miscarry much later than I am. I am thankful for that but still, I am terrified.
I have this whole new anxiety and I can’t really put it into words. I’m afraid of my future. I’m afraid for my husband who has suffered a lot of loss recently, I’m worried that he can’t handle all of this. I’m afraid for my body and how my cycle will be post-miscarriage, I’m worried for our future as parents, I’m anxious to see the pregnancies around me progress while mine is non-existent. I just feel so many emotions.
Right now, it’s a waiting game. I feel miserable because I know I am (more than likely) carrying around something that isn’t really there anymore. I still have the pregnancy hormones which is annoying at this point because it’s messing with my head. All I can do is either wait for Monday for wait to miscarry naturally before then.
If you have been through something similar to what i’m going through, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Rather it’s by anonymous comment below or email, or DM on Instagram, it makes me feel a lot less alone and I bet it makes you feel less alone, too.
Thank you for always listening to me, you all are the best. ♥