Let me paint a picture for you, because I don’t do this often, I’m sitting in a Starbucks coffee in a neighboring town and I’m drinking a caffe latte with almond milk and it is delicious and so worth the caffeine. Until our first scan, I completely cut out caffeine and I was fine with it. Honestly, it was much easier than I thought because the reason meant so much to me. Once we were given the not so great news about our pregnancy, I realized that I didn’t want to deprive myself because if I look back on these weeks, and I miscarry, I'll regret not doing what I wanted to do. But there really is no way to know if something is worth it or not, until it’s too late.
On Thursday around lunch time, I went to the bathroom (just to pee) and when I wiped I saw some brownish discharge and/or blood. My first reaction is to be upset and I think the reason why is because for 15 months, blood meant “ NOT PREGNANT” so it kind-of messed with me a little. After a few seconds of feeling all of the blood rush to my face, I collected myself and went out to my car to get a pad. I had stashed a few in my car just in case we miscarried. In case you haven’t picked up on it by now, I am a planner and I didn’t want to be stuck in that situation without everything that I needed. I went back inside my office, went to the bathroom, and put the pad on. It’s been at least 10 years since I wore pads and I completely forgot how gross they make me feel. Even with just a little spotting, it felt wet or damp, uncomfortable, just terrible. But I didn’t know how much I would bleed, if it would continue, or really what this meant so I didn’t want to wear something too thin. I was told that if we miscarry, it would be like a heavy period and my periods are already so heavy, that I can’t imagine it being heavier. The thought of it makes me so nervous.
The spotting continued all of Thursday. There were a few points in the afternoon where I had a few, what looked like, blood clots but they were very tiny that it could have clotted on it’s way out? I’m no doctor, but thinking that made me feel better.
Around 4 o’clock that afternoon, I called the nurse at my specialist and OBGYN’s office just to get some perspective. I know they can’t confirm anything over the phone, but I thought if I just update them, they can tell me if something sounds off. Both nurse said that spotting can be normal or it can be abnormal, there really isn’t a way to tell for sure right now. They told me to look out for blood clots and heavy bleeding and to call and update them if that happens. I was also told that if the bleeding was heavy, I felt dizzy or weak, then I should consider going to the emergency room. We have our next OB scan scheduled for Tuesday, and that is really going to be the best way to know what’s going on.
Of course talking to the nurses made me cry. It’s scary to think about going through a miscarriage and picturing what that could look like. Even though my husband is experiencing this loss too, he doesn’t have to experience every aspect so it makes us not really see eye to eye on this. Don’t get me wrong, he is so supportive and kind but he doesn’t have the resource to talk about miscarriage and get all of the gruesome details (even though I swear I’ve mentioned all of it to him) he just doesn’t realize how physically scary this can be for a woman. He hears “heavy period” and probably thinks, no big deal. To me, a heavy period is so scary. I can’t stress enough how much I hate my periods already, I usually have such intense pain that I can’t stand up, or that I feel like I’m going to pass out. A heavier one of those? Yeah, I’m worried.
Anyway, I feel like I am not rambling about my fears.
I went to bed that Thursday night wearing a heavy duty pad, terrified that I would wake up in a pool of blood. As you can imagine, I didn’t sleep very much. I got out of bed two or three times to check the pad and make sure there were no clots. Oddly enough, the bleeding seemed to mellow out a lot and no clots were in sight.
Friday morning before I left for work I put on a panty liner instead of a pad because it seemed like the bleeding was slowing down. I wasn’t sure if this would be like a period and have a lighter flow at night, I would imagine with a miscarriage, nothing would make it lighter? But, what do I know?
I checked my underwear around lunchtime and there was blood on the panty liner but not much. I felt relieved, like maybe this is normal and the baby is a-okay.
Later Friday afternoon, after I got home from work, I went to the bathroom to pee and when I wiped a pretty big blood clot came out on the toilet tissue. That’s when I started to sob. It was about the size of a dime. I did take a picture to document it, just in case. The crying just couldn’t stop, this clot was pretty big and I just feel like clots aren’t “normal” during pregnancy. I looked. up the size of a baby at six weeks and The Bump said “sweet pea” which could arguably be the size of a dime, and my clot. I told my husband about the clot when he got home from work and he agreed, it didn’t look great.
I cried off and on all night. I reached out to my support group telling them about the spotting and I had many comments sharing their experience with miscarriages and all of them agreed that it started with spotting for a few days. I truly didn’t know that about miscarriage. I thought a miscarriage was heavy bleeding from the beginning. Wrong.
Today is now Saturday, the bleeding was pretty light this morning with no more clots since the big one last night.
I just feel like this isn’t a good sign. And although I wouldn’t say I’m okay with that but I knew that it was a possibility and I feel like I am somewhat prepared for it.
For now, it’s just spotting. I will know more in the coming days but no matter what I know that i’m not alone (that you #TTCcommunity) and my husband and I will one day look back on this and realized that it happened for a reason.