I have asked this question more times than I can count. Why me? Why is it so hard for us? Why is it so easy for everyone else? Why do we have to go through this? It's not fair...I married the love of my life at 30. I graduated with my undergraduate degree and moved across states at 29. I was blessed with an amazing job six months after I moved. Sure, we wanted children we talked about it, but we agreed that I wanted to finish my graduate degree first and then, it would happen so fast, we would be right on schedule. I got off birth control about a year before graduating because that is what we discussed. At my graduation, my sister was pregnant. I was happy for her and at the same time sad because it had not happened for me yet but I knew it was only a matter of time before it did, so, no worries. After a year, my husband suggested I get checked out, but I was in denial and knew that everything would be fine. After all, I am number five of six and have 26 nieces and nephews from my five siblings.
After more prodding, I figured we would just get checked out I was 32 and wanted to ease my husband's mind. The first Fertility Specialist (or Reproductive Endocrinologist) we saw performed tests and said everything was fine. She proceeded to perform an intrauterine insemination (IUI) which did not take. Another year passed and nothing happened so we found another RE and he discovered that both my Fallopian tubes were blocked. I knew I had painful cycles since I was a teenager and my mother had severe endometriosis but I thought nothing of it. After seeing four OBGYNs the last one said, "why don't we do surgery to see what is going on” and another year had passed. We did the surgery and he found some complications, which included Adenomyosis and fibroids. I was devastated. The option we were given was In Vitro Fertilization. We found out that this was not covered by our insurance. What were we going to do? Quitting was not an option. I began researching and found out that there were grants for people like us to help with fertility treatments. I applied and we got one from the CADE Foundation. We were so excited and beyond grateful.
We just knew that we would get pregnant on the first try. However, we didn't and the last two embryos we had from that cycle ended in a miscarriage in 2017. We got up the strength to do IVF again and had one embryo left after PGS testing. We did a frozen transfer in April 2018 and that one did not implant. After this time my doctor suggested that it may be time to look at a surrogate. Another gut punch. I started to become angry but I soon decided that I did not want to go back to that dark place so I prayed and picked myself back up again. Then, I started to notice something. Every time we set out to do something God made a way either through our doctors, people or resources. I began seeing that life was not happening to me it was happening for me. In addition, all of this was in God's plan for me in fulfilling my purpose. Instead of me saying why me I started saying why not me? If it can happen for her, surely it can happen for me. I found a fertility coach that helped me realize all of this and, that it wasn't what I hoped for or even what I wished for it is what I believe (Oprah Winfrey says this frequently).
So today, I choose to believe in me and not let my past dictate my future, or what the doctors, friends and family say but what is deep down in my gut, in my soul and that is, that I know I was meant to birth children into this world and be a mom. I've realized that the how and when is not up to me and in the end all that really matters is what you believe about yourself.
If you would like to keep up with Aisha’s story, follow her blog here: https://www.shethoughtsoshedid.com
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