It’s been so long since I wrote a cycle update on Hello Warrior so I thought there is no better time then here and now, especially with all that is about to be happening in our journey!
CALLING ALL NEWBIES:
If you are new here, i’ll give you a short backstory that way you can continue reading this blog post. Back in June 2018 we started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. We spent all of June and July getting bloodwork, running tests, and trying to figure out where to start. In August we sat back down with our specialist and we came to the conclusion that our main concern was my luteal phase. On a good month it’s only 9-10 days long which makes it pretty difficult to get pregnant. PLOT TWIST: On August 22nd, I took a pregnancy test because my period was late and BOOM, It said “pregnant”. Sadly our pregnancy was not viable from the. beginning and we learned of this at 7 weeks. We physically miscarried at 8 weeks. So now, three months after our miscarriage we are ready to try that medicated cycle again!
Today is cycle day 27 of my current cycle and I have some mild cramping which usually means that Aunt Flo should be showing up any minute now. My periods have been so weird since our miscarriage in September so I honestly don’t know what to expect. Plus, I have been using progesterone cream this cycle so that could prolong my period for a few days. Oh, how fun it is to be infertile. *sarcasm*
Our next step is to continue with the medicated cycle that we had originally planned for all the way back in July/August. I feel like maybe we were supposed to do this cycle or something, maybe that’s why everything worked out the way it did. At least that’s what I am going to believe so I can continue to feel positive about all of this because the truth is that I’m terrified of doing this. It took me awhile to be okay with the fact that my body may not do this naturally and I might need the help of science. That was really difficult to accept. Once my period starts I’ll call my RE office and schedule a baseline ultrasound. To be honest with you, I have no idea what that baseline will tell us but I look forward to learning all about it. I’m assuming that he (Dr. Park) will be looking at my uterine lining and any follicles that are already there. Although I have no idea if I can even expect to see follicles at the beginning of my cycle.
Sidenote: I feel so embarrassed sometimes when talking about fertility related things because I obviously don’t know everything but as a woman I should be more informed.
After the baseline ultrasound, I’ll be taking Femara (Letrozole) for five days and then I’ll return to the office for another ultrasound. The second ultrasound will show (hopefully) how big the follicles are (if there are any) and if they are the right size then we will get the go-ahead to trigger (with Ovidrel “trigger shot”) and then Dr. Park will also tell us when we should have sex. Isn’t making a baby so much fun? *more sarcasm*
I’m doing everything I can to stay positive that this medicated cycle is exactly what we need to have a healthy pregnancy. You never know until you try… right?
LET’S TALK ABOUT ANXIETY
I’m going to be really really really honest with you all here. My anxiety has gotten a lot worse over the last week. Actually the last few months have been terrible (yes, since the loss) but the last week has been much worse. I’m going to tell all of you why I am so anxious but I feel so terrible saying it out loud (or typing it to put it on the internet for the world to read) I am anxious that I’ll be pregnant this cycle. And don’t get me wrong I would love to be pregnant. In fact, it would make me so happy to be pregnant naturally but you see the last time we got pregnant was the cycle before a medicated cycle and that didn’t end the way we had hoped. So for the sake of my anxiety, I’m just so nervous to feel deja vu and be pregnant right before another medicated cycle. Does that even make sense? I feel so guilty, embarrassed, and ridiculous saying this but the truth is that I told you I’d always be honest with you and this is how I’m feeling right now.
Saturday night, Kerry and I went to Walgreens and picked up a pack of pregnancy tests. I was crying in the car because the thought of taking a pregnancy test was terrifying to me. The last time I took a test it told me I was pregnant and that was less than 9 months ago, and there is no longer a baby to celebrate. These things just play over and over again in my mind and it’s terrible for my anxiety. When we got home from Walgreens I peed in a cup (TMI?) and we took the pregnancy test together. I had Kerry read it because I just couldn’t do it. I was hoping that it would have two lines but I was also hoping to not have anything go wrong this time. Sadly it was negative at ten days post ovulation and on cycle day 25 but I was okay. I feel like this cycle is a double edged sword - I want to be pregnant so badly but I also don’t want to be terrified of another miscarriage.
Pregnancy after infertility was not fun.
Infertility after pregnancy loss has been nothing but anxiety.
How will I one day make it through pregnancy after loss AND infertility?
For those who have been in a similar positions - give me all of your advice!
WE WANT TO KEEP A VIDEO DIARY
Kerry and I have talked a lot about the “what ifs” in our journey and one thing we regret is not keeping a video diary. I really like keeping it real but it’s easy to take a few days before sharing something or sharing my feelings and by then I am over the hump and feeling better. I want to tell ya’ll like it is in the moment and capturing each step on video seems to be the best way to do that.
We don’t plan to put it on YouTube or anything like that so I’ll probably just put videos in my blog posts. So you’ll have the option to read the update or watch it. I’m hoping to keep this as a video diary so one day we can look back on hopefully the cycle we conceived our miracle baby and see the look on our faces and hear the tone in our voice each step of the way.
But ya’ll better not judge me, I don’t have a face for the camera, haha.
UNTIL NEXT TIME, WARRIORS
You know me well, I’m going to update ya’ll every step of the way! I can’t find a lot of information about Letrozole side effects or what to expect so I’m going to do my best to be totally honest and transparent with ya’ll per usual.