I feel like I have talked so much about our miscarriage and i’ve shared how I felt during and after, what helped prepare me, but I felt the need to share Kerry’s perspective of our miscarriage too. It’s no secret that our partners experience this differently than us because of the physical aspect but I don’t want us to forget about them and their pain. They experienced a loss too and they experienced it knowing that you suffered through so much. So I sat down with my husband and asked him questions through the different stages of our personal experience with miscarriage. I also asked him the questions that you all submitted on instagram!
I felt like this was such a great exercise in a way because it caused us to literally do nothing but talk about our loss together. There were a lot of conversations started from these questions that I didn’t write out and it made me feel much more connected to him in that moment. So if you like this blog post and you’ve experienced a loss, I urge you to sit down with your partner and ask them these questions!
Maybe in the future we will do a live Q & A or something, I felt like I really enjoyed this conversation despite the topic.
Kerry’s Perspective From Our First OB Scan - When We First Got The Bad News
Let’s start with that first OB scan, when we were 7 weeks and thought we were going in to see the heartbeat for the first time. What was going through your mind before, during, and after that horrible appointment? (read that blog post)
K: Before the appointment, I was really excited and I didn’t have any negative thoughts going into it. During the scan, I started to get nervous. It seemed like it was taking awhile to find the baby and that’s when I really started to get nervous. After he gave us the bad news, it felt like a shock. I don’t know a better way to describe it other than a punch to the stomach
I felt like you were in actual shock because it seemed like you didn’t process it until we started talking about options on miscarriage.
Did knowing that our baby probably wasn’t going to make it, change the way you viewed me during those next few weeks of pregnancy limbo?
K: No, why would that affect the way I look at you?
Some men blame the wife or feel angry.
K: I wouldn’t blame you for anything. I felt worse for you than I did myself because you physically had to go through it.
During our second scan, we found out that baby did grow, but Dr. Park still didn’t seem convinced that this pregnancy was going to be viable. Did you feel that appointment gave you hope?
K: Yes. But at the same time it didn’t. It didn’t make me think that everything was fine it just gave me a glimmer of hope. It wasn’t gone, it was still there and growing. I was still expecting the worst but hoping for a good outcome.
We had an argument a few days before the miscarriage because I really wanted to know for sure that if I started to miscarry during a work day, that you would come home to be with me. Then, you didn’t see why I needed you with me because we were told that it would “just be a heavy period” which I knew all along had to be BS. Walk me through what you thought a miscarriage would be like before we experienced one.
K: I honestly thought that you would just not be able to go to work because you would be bleeding all day. I didn’t think about being here in case you needed anything. I just didn’t know how intense it would be that early in the pregnancy. Dr. Park just said to take the day of work and prepare to have a really bad day. I didn’t understand what that meant at the time.
Kerry’s Perspective During The Miscarriage
When I called you into the bathroom crying at 1 a.m. that morning, what was your first thought?
K: My first thought was making sure you were okay. I just figured you had another clot or something.
I feel like I have a different outlook on that night. Can you walk me through your first memories? When I told you that I was pretty sure I was miscarrying - what happened next for you? I feel like when I think back to that night, everything comes to me in flashes. There was a lot happening.
K: Honestly, I just wanted to make sure you were alright.
Let’s talk about the blood, because you saw a lot of what was going on (because you wanted to experience as much as you could with me, which was sweet), as a male who doesn’t get a period, doesn’t see blood come out of their body very often, how did seeing that much blood affect you in the moment?
K: It didn’t really affect me, with a miscarriage I guess I expected that. I just knew that it was the miscarriage. It would be different if we didn’t know it was coming and you just started to miscarry one night when we thought everything was fine with the baby.
When the worst of it was happening and I was vomiting, shaking, sweating, crying, the works - what went through your head in those terrible moments? I remember you holding me really tight while I cried. Which is funny because usually you hear about wives pushing their husbands away and I figured I may be like that. But I really wanted you there with me. You brought me a lot of comfort.
K: I just felt really bad for you. There was nothing I could really do.
Is there anything that you remember so vividly from that night?
K: Going to Walmart at 3 a.m. to get more pads, adult diapers, underwear and toilet paper. It looked like someone exploded at the house or something.
I felt so bad for you having to go to the store at that hour but we were already low on toilet paper and I kept using whatever we had left, I had one more pad, I knew that the adult diapers would be a life saver, and I bled all over my only pair of clean underwear. What people don’t know if that you bought me men’s briefs because I love wearing them at home. They are fitting and with the diaper and pads on, they were amazing! It meant so much to me that you went to the store at that hour.
Back to the question I asked earlier, how do you feel like experiencing a miscarriage first hand was different than what doctors told us to expect? Do you now see why I didn’t want to be home alone while I actually miscarried?
K: Yes. It was different than what we were told to expect, they made it seem like it was going to be a heavier period. Our doctor made it seem like it would last all day so I thought it would last a lot longer than it did. *Referring to the worst of it.
I remember being pretty helpless during. I stayed on the toilet because well, that’s the most comfortable place at that time. Had you not been home, I don’t know what I would have done. I remember being on the verge of passing out, I was vomitting, shaking, the dogs had to be kept out of the room but they were really worried and nervous. It would have been a mess.
Questions About Support & Strength During and After A Miscarriage
As women, I think it’s really hard to even think of your partner in those moments because we are physically going through it. How can we (women) be supportive of our partner when we are in so much pain? * This is referring during the miscarriage, not in the healing phase.
K: It’s not up to them, it’s up to their partner in the moment. I didn’t feel like you needed to do anything for me in the moment, that’s what I was there for. In that moment, I don’t believe you should worry about your partner. Maybe that’s just old fashioned thinking but in that moment it wasn’t about our loss, it was about making sure you were okay.
How did you experience the miscarriage? Did you feel the sadness of losing a baby or was it mainly seeing me in so much pain/sadness before, during, and after?
K: I was mainly worried about you. The only time I had the feeling of losing a baby was after our first ultrasound. The actual miscarriage didn’t make that feeling any more real. Honestly. Just seeing blood didn’t make me feel like in that moment we were losing our baby. I think it would have been different if we were later in our pregnancy or if we weren’t expecting it. You had already been bleeding for a few days, had a few blood clots come out, and we had scheduled the surgery so we knew what was going on.
What did you do for me to help me during the pain that night/morning of the miscarriage? If you had to give advice to partner’s in general and how they can help, what would you say?
K: (TMI) I told you to try sitting on the toilet with your feet up to add pressure and help get some of the clots out fast. And that seemed to help. We were pretty unprepared so I ran out to the store at 3 a.m. to get extra underwear, toilet paper, maxi pads, and adult diapers. I just did whatever you needed me to do in that moment rather it was getting you ice chips, helping clean up whatever mess was happening, keeping the dogs occupied (they were worried and shaking because they knew something was wrong). I just needed to be there to do anything you needed in that moment. I don’t think any advice can be given because it’s all different for everyone.
What was most helpful to you in your healing/getting through it? What did you need more of?
K: Honestly, I don’t feel like I needed anything but that’s the kind of person I am. I just handle things on my own. Because I didn’t go through it physically, I didn’t really need anything to heal. It comes with time and we are still healing.
Let’s talk about how you support me after our loss. I’ll chime in too but I’d love for you to say how you feel you support me or what you consciously make an effort to do.
K: I try to ask you how your day was, I bring home your favorite candy, I just check on you and see what you need.
I would agree. You check on me a lot, especially the few days after the worst of it when I was at home recovering. You also picked up my favorite foods for dinner so I didn’t have to cook. I’m not someone who likes gifts, acts of service is my love language and you were an A++ husband during that time for sure.
Women have messaged me saying that they ask their husband over and over again are you okay and they always say yes. I personally think they just don’t want to feel selfish by not being okay because they know that as women, we go through it different. It’s funny because I ask you if you are okay and you often say yes. Why is that? Are you really doing okay or is it more you don’t want to try to understand the same grief your partner has?
K: I think men are different than women, like when we say we are okay, it usually means we are okay. It’s not as complicated as you think. It doesn’t mean that we don’t have our moments where we think about it but we can let that moment pass differently than the woman because of our different experiences. Trust your partner but also pay attention, if they seem sad or are acting out of character, they probably aren’t okay. But you can’t force someone to talk about their feelings.
I have also received messages from women saying that their husbands are so positive until the very end and then after their loss, they have a positive attitude about getting pregnant again. I feel like that’s similar to how you are. When we first started this journey, I was pretty negative but I think I’ve gotten a lot better however, I am a realist and I know statistics and the chances of things happening. How do we meet in the middle? Do you find it hard when you feel so positive and I maybe don’t? For example, going into that first scan - I was so anxious. I knew that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a loss and it was just so common. So I felt, although it was devastating to actually hear it, that I was a bit more prepared than you were.
K:: I think with me being so positive in the moment when we get news, it shocks me more than it shocks you but I am able to recover faster. I try to move past it and be positive about the next time while you are worrying about miscarrying a second time before we are even pregnant again.
As a partner, do you feel comfortable coming to me if you had a “bad day” and felt sad about our loss? Why or Why not?
K: Sure, I feel comfortable coming to you but I don’t really like to talk about it. That’s my way of dealing with it. I don’t want to talk about things that upset because I am most upset when I talk about it. If that makes sense.
Give your advice for having to tell family members that you experienced a loss.
K: First I would say, if you have close family or friends - I would tell them as soon as you found out you were pregnant because why not be excited. That way if something bad happens, like a loss, you’ll be able to be open and tell people. I think it’s better for people to know than to not know. I know that it can be hard to get the words out so I think that texting your family or friends is fine. It’s all about whatever makes you comfortable, it’s hard to talk about. Do what makes you feel more comfortable in that moment. That’s your time to be selfish and do what’s best for you.
If you had to give a partner advice, before miscarriage, what would you tell them?
Just plan on whenever that time comes being there even if you have to leave work. If you are expecting to miscarry, make sure you have everything you need at home.
I say to partners, even if your lady tells you to not come in the bedroom/bathroom/whatever, just make it known that you are there. I feel sad when women decide to experience this alone, I tried to tell him to go back to bed but then I changed my mind and I am so happy that I wanted him next to me. Sure, he couldn’t do anything to make it better but being alone would have been way less. Make yourself available to whatever she needs, rather it’s miscarrying at home or having the D & C.
Using three words, one for each stage, how did you feel before, during, and after our loss?
Kerry felt really bad saying relieved as the emotion that he felt after but I told him that I agreed. I had a sense of relief because the “hard part” was over. And we could move forward.
Ya’ll, I hope this was helpful! Be sure to share with your partner, maybe even start the conversation and talk about your loss. Comment below if you found this helpful. I’d love to hear your feedback! Also, feel free to ask any questions in the comments and I’ll have Kerry comment back to you if it’s a partner-related question.