Hi, I’m Liz! My hopes are that those who are reading will feel less alone and/or have a better understanding about TTC (trying to conceive). I’m a mother to a perfect little two year old daughter and wife to an amazing and supportive husband. So here’s my story (so far) to baby number two.
When I was TTC with my daughter it took one month/cycle of trying. I went off the pill and immediately conceived my daughter. It was amazing and little did I know how lucky I was for that. When she turned two my husband and I wanted to expand our family. So a month after my daughter’s second birthday, January 2018, we started trying. I was so confident and had no doubt in my mind that I was going to be pregnant that month. My period was late and I took seven pregnancy tests all saying negative. I was so confused but thought “Hey, it takes most people a couple tries. I’ll be pregnant in no time!”
I started to track my cycles using an app and taking my basal temperature every morning the moment my eyes opened. As the months went on I started to notice my ovulation was off. I was ovulating around cycle day 25 or later! My cycles would last 50 days long. I was so frustrated, I knew this wasn’t normal. I started to lose confidence with every negative test and every period. I started to feel like a failure. “What’s wrong with me?” I thought, “Why am I not getting pregnant?”. I told my friends, and my husband even our couples counselor that something wasn’t right but they all told me the same things “Just try without trying” “Just relax it’ll happen then!” “You haven’t been trying that long just keep trying.”. Right then my feelings didn’t feel valid. My concerns weren’t necessary anymore because I assumed they knew better than me and that I was just a worry wart.
Then, May 3rd happened. I woke up ready to test expecting that it was just going to be another negative. I bought a cheapie little Wal-Mart test. It was only 88cents but I thought why not? Three minutes roll by and there’s a faint line but still bright enough that it was definitely positive. I sent a picture to a few friends and they all saw the line. But as soon as I sent it them I started to cramp and spot. My friend Kate said, “I think you’re having a chemical pregnancy”. And in that moment I knew she was right for this was not my first miscarriage. I replied, “Yeah I think so too. This is kinda unfair.” And it was unfair. Five months of tracking and baby dancing and this is what I get? When my husband came home from work I cried. Again asking myself why was I still struggling. My husband and I decided that we were going to take a break from TTC. I was so upset that I decided to just didn’t want to be pregnant ever again. But I couldn’t keep babies off my mind.
The break did me some good though. I was able to think. I thought about if I still wanted to keep trying even with the mental toll it was taking on me as well as the chemical pregnancy took on me. From here I decided I would in fact see a doctor if we tried for a few months more and nothing happened.
So after a month break we started trying again. Four months passed and I still wasn’t pregnant. I had a panic attack one night feeling so scared and hopeless. The effects it’s has on my mental health are astounding. I’m constantly in fear of losing another baby or possibly dying after I deliver and I know this stress is coming from trying and tracking. I often feel so lonely and like this is my fault somehow. Maybe it’s my weight? Diet? Medications? Stress? All of the above?
My husband just got a new job with new insurance so we will be making an appointment this week with a fertility specialist. I’m so nervous but also excited to get some answers and help. I’ve been following the TTC Community through Instagram during this entire journey and it’s helped so much to see peoples stories and struggles and also their achievements. We TTC and Infertility Warriors are so brave and strong for sharing this part of our lives. I recently shared with all my friends and family about my journey and it was liberating. I hope other women can someday read this post and know they are not alone. That this is what so many of us go through. Thank you so much for reading; it’s an honor to be part of this blog today.
UPDATE FROM LIZ
I have exciting news! On November 13th I found out I’m pregnant with my rainbow baby! I was having pregnancy symptoms but I assumed it was just period symptoms. I kept putting off testing because I figured it wasn’t a baby. Couldn’t be! My boobs really hurt so I decided I would test. I went to Walmart and bought an 88 cent test. When I got home I felt some cramping but went to test anyways. I went into the bathroom and when I pulled my pants down I was spotting. “Oh,” I thought, “Just AF...” so I put the test away and went to bed. That night I felt nauseous and threw up a few times. My husband was kind enough to stay home because I wasn’t feeling good. As the day went on I didn’t have any blood or spotting. I thought something was off so I decided I would test. I was almost certain I was wasting my own time. As soon as I put urine in the test two lines started to show. “What?! Oh my god!” I exclaimed. I picked up the test instructions to double check that two lines meant positive. Then it hit me, “Two lines! I’m pregnant! Oh my god!” I ran and told my husband and he couldn’t believe it either. The test was crazy positive.
While this news is exciting I’ve been struggling with it. After losses and trying for a while my mind is worried. I’m scared to lose the baby and I’m also afraid to be a mom of two! I’m 10 weeks now and I’m starting feel less worry. A lot of people asked me what I did differently that cycle to conceive and honestly I didn’t do anything different. I was still stressed and hopeless and checking my temperature and trying to schedule sex. I feel really blessed and happy. I wish everyone on their journey to their baby the best of luck and an endless supply of baby dust.
If you would like to continue following Liz’s journey to baby #2, you can follow her on Instagram @momming_it_up