Dear Baby C | Letter #2

Dear Baby C,

Today I miss you which may sound silly because I knew nothing about you other than you existed. Hurricane Michael came through North Carolina yesterday and knocked our power out. Your dad went to work today so I sat in the house alone all day and I think it’s the first time in 16 days that I really realized how alone I felt because you were no longer with me everywhere I went. 

I didn’t even think about how that would feel, being actually alone. Before September 26th, I carried you with me everywhere. Even though I was alone while your dad worked or while I was at work, I wasn’t really ever alone and I miss that. I miss it more than I could have imagined. 

Most days I’m okay. I know that it just wasn’t meant for us to meet, for some unexplained reason. If I think about that for too long, it hurts. 

I see a lot of people around me are announcing pregnancies and births and here I am without either in sight. Actually, in a really odd and morbid way, I gave birth. Just a different type of birth than they did. I gave the type of birth that you don’t announce to people. 

I see photos of babies and I wonder what your little fingers would have looked like. I bet they would have been so cute and probably wrapped around my finger most of the time. If I think about it long enough, I see it. Clear as day except for it’s just a day dream that will never be my reality. Not this time. 

People call me strong. They think that because I don’t mourn losing you all the time that I’m okay, and I guess I am, okay. But then there are moments where I’m not okay. Moments where my chest hurts because I wish you didn’t have to go. Moments where I didn’t have to think about moving on in life without you. And those moments hurt. In those moments, I am very weak and I know that’s okay too. 

I just, miss you. I miss the thought of you. I miss every dream that I had of you.