The last few weeks have been really odd for me. I’ve wanted to write an update but I’m kind of all over the place, to be honest. Ya’ll know me as positive and uplifting and that’s great but there have been a lot of moments over the last few weeks where i’ve had to work extra hard to be those things. But that’s okay and i’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve had some bad days.
My first period post-miscarriage wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t any more painful than a normal period which is a plus. I was really nervous that it would be worse but maybe my body can just handle more after all it’s been through. I did have cramping but it wasn’t so severe that I couldn’t breathe. The bleeding was weird. I spotted for an entire day before my period actually came which is very abnormal for me. Usually cycle day one is a terribly heavy day so that was the main difference. Of course my period came with a lot of emotions. I was afraid that seeing the blood would be triggering but it wasn’t however I did have a small blood clot on my period and that felt a little triggering but other than that it was fine.
I had a few bad days that turned into a really terrible week. Everyday there was a reminder of our loss and it was just really hard for a few days. A co-worker’s daughter recently had her first baby. Her mom told me that they got pregnant on “the first try”. LUCKY THEM! What upset me the most was that this girl got married, pregnant, and gave birth all in the time we’ve been trying. This was my first experience with that and it sucks. I sat in the bathroom at work and just sobbed for about 20 minutes. It felt like a jab in my stomach. I had to collect myself and remind myself that this wasn’t our baby. That this wasn’t our story and I shouldn’t be upset over other people’s joy. It was still hurtful because she was celebrating a childbirth while no one can celebrate the type of birth I had to go through. With my husband’s support (and so many incredible women that I’ve met on this journey) I got through it and so far, I haven’t really had a bad day since.
We decided to try naturally this cycle but I’ve gone back and forth with emotions. One day I feel ready to try again and the next day I want to wait another month or so. But then I also just want to be pregnant again but I also don’t want to go through another loss. I feel like these emotions are all over the place…. but also normal? Maybe?
On the last day of my period I sat my husband down and I wanted to talk about our plan.
So we have decided to try naturally for the remainder of 2018, which is roughly two cycles including the one that we are currently in, and then doing a medicated cycle the first of the year. To be honest with you, our pregnancy limbo took a lot out of us financially. We had a fair amount in our HSA account but since we have a high deductible plan - everything costs so much more. For example one ultrasound is about $300 and we did weekly ultrasounds for 3 weeks. That took a lot out of us and then I had to do a follow up ultrasound after the miscarriage so that was four ultrasounds in a months time. We wanted to take some time to save up for a few medicated cycles because we know that it may not be successful after the first round. Although we are hopeful we do need to be realistic.
That’s really it for the update. I just wanted to share our plan with all of you because I do get a lot of messages asking us if we are trying again and the short answer is yes of course! I just don’t want to waste any time. Even though I am afraid of pregnancy after loss I just want our babe. That’s really our end goal, right?