I have to be honest (per usual) I totally expected to come home from our appointment today and write a sappy blog post about our terrible no good news. But this day is a lot different than I expected and you won’t hear me complain about it!
For the last week, we haven’t really talked about Baby C. We stopped making plans, stopped talking about the future, more in an effort to protect our hearts. Instead we had a lot of really difficult conversations such as miscarriage and what that could look like for us. It’s no secret that I am pretty terrified of miscarrying at home. Let’s face it, miscarriage in general is terrifying. It’s cruel, it’s not what we had in our plan, and I just really don’t want to do it. But like I mentioned in my last post, the surgery isn’t an option for us at this time. If it comes to it. My OB wrote me a prescription for a pain medication in case it happens naturally or in case our RE, Dr. Park, doesn’t prescribe us pain medication. I also have heavy duty pads, a heating pad, Ibuprofen, and know to drink lots of water/Gatorade. I am prepared with materials, but emotionally I don’t know if I could ever prepare.
My husband felt blindsided with last week’s news but this week, he said that he felt like he “delt with it” and understands that if it must happen, we will get through it together. He’s always been a lot more positive than me and sometimes that is good, sometimes it drives me nuts.
One thing that was different with this appointment is that we rode to the appointment together. We both had off work today due to a death in his family, which is unfortunate but I feel that us arriving to the appointment together and leaving together, played a huge part in today. Last week we drove separately and had to drive home separately after hearing terrible news. We sat in the parking lot for a minute because I was honestly just so nervous. I felt like I couldn’t talk much on the way to the appointment, I didn’t sleep much the past few nights because all I can think about is this scan and what it means for our future and our baby’s future. My husband held my hand and reassured me that no matter what, we will be okay.
Once we got into the fertility clinic we only had to wait a few minutes before being called back to the scan room. I got ready, as one does before their date with “Wanda” and waited for Dr. Park to come in. While we were waiting on the doctor, I just started to crumble. The memory of what the last appointment was like, the thought that in a matter of seconds my whole world can come crumbling down, within a matter of days I could go through the worst thing I could imagine at this point in time. It felt like there was a lot on the line. It felt like there was nothing I could do to make this better than it was and it just sucked. There’s really no better way to put it. Once Dr. Park came in, he saw that I was crying so I shared that I was just nervous. I honestly cannot stress enough how much we enjoy Dr. Park. He is so informative, has great bed side manner, and always makes sure that we understand what’s going on without saying it in medical lingo. I’ve had bad doctors, maybe not bad fertility specialists, but I know that a lot of doctors won’t take the time that he takes nor will they be as honest as he is being to us.
When he started the vaginal ultrasound, which again, wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, I started to think to myself do I really want to look at the screen? For days leading up to this appointment, I thought that maybe I should look away unless there’s good news. Because of my knowledge, seeing the scan for myself is hard for me. I have the first scan branded into my mind and I won’t forget what it looks like. I decided to look because although it could be bad news, it could also be good news and if it were good news, I wanted to see it so that could replace the bad images in my mind.
Dr. Park took a second to get a good view of the yolk sac. He measured it and the baby is measuring 6 weeks, which is still two weeks less than we are according to my last menstrual period, but it’s also showing that it grew from 5 weeks to 6 weeks within a week. So it’s a mix of good news but still concern. Our doctor still said that he has some concerns about the pregnancy and still doesn’t feel confident that the baby will continue to grow but we think that he’s mostly saying that to keep us from getting our hopes too high. Through this blog I’ve met so many women who told me that they were a week or two behind and everything was fine! So, we are happy about the news but we know that there is still a chance that this pregnancy isn’t a healthy and successful pregnancy.
Another reason that I wanted to write this blog post is because I asked a few questions during this appointment and I felt that the information was really interesting so I wanted to share!
I asked Dr. Park if it’s possible that I implanted late, making the baby measure behind. He paused and said “maybe, it could be possible” BUT we can’t really assume that and usually to tell if the growth is normal, we go off of LMP or ovulation and since we don’t know when ovulation occurred, that’s why we are playing the waiting game to know how normal what we are seeing on the screen is.
I asked Dr. Park about progesterone levels since it seems that a lot of women find that they had a progesterone issue during a pregnancy that ended in miscarriage and when they use a supplement with their next pregnancy, it’s successful. Dr. Park explained to me that my levels were great when I had my blood work done and if I had a progesterone deficiency then it would have shown on that blood work. He said that progesterone will not make a bad pregnancy good, so not to think so much about what we can do to make this one better. The reason why I had that in my mind was because of the possible luteal phase defect that I have since my luteal phase is so short, but we didn’t get to the point to checking progesterone levels so we honestly don’t know if I had lower levels prior to pregnancy but the fact that my levels looked good during pregnancy, gives him the answer that I don’t have an issue with progesterone.
So the appointment was better than we expected, it still wasn’t news that could leave us jumping with joy but it was better than the week before. Dr. Park wants us to come back in for another scan in a week to check on the growth of the baby. Basically, it looks like we are going to have to keep a close watch on the baby for some time. The fact that our baby grew feels huge to me. I know it’s still not great but that means that the baby is still alive and that alone eases my anxiety. I understand that measuring behind may not be good BUT it also may not be necessarily bad. All we can do is wait and see.
In the meantime, we are still not making plans. We aren’t talking about names, the nursery, or any of the things we talked about during our first few weeks of our exciting new adventure. We are happy but we are also cautious. I feel like this news did get my hopes up which isn’t great for my mental health but I really want to celebrate every tiny victory. I just hope that our little Baby C is fighting hard to meet us. I used to think it was so silly for women to feel love for a baby during the early weeks because it doesn’t even look like a baby yet but the love that i’ve had for this child has been growing for the last year and a half and right now is the closest I have ever been to meeting them. I’ve had this love for my child before they were even dividing cells. It’s just how it goes, especially when you are pregnant after infertility.
I know that I’ve been MIA from the blog other than these updates, as you know we have just had so much going on. I am making updates, making plans, and have many guest bloggers lined up I just have to get everything organized. Thank you all for your patience and understanding and for all of your kind words of support, advice, and prayers.